Denmark 2-0 France

Playing in front of a passionate home crowd, co-hosts Denmark carved out a brave win against the free-scoring French with goals in each half. The Danes with their strong lager and soapy fish dominated the game with their gutsy style of play thankfully free of the flair and silky skills that have marred much of the tournament. For the French with their fancy cooking and silly accents this defeat means they're on the next train to Dover.

Senegal 3-3 Uruguay

Tournament favourites Senegal seemed to be cruising into the next round as they smashed in three (3) first half goals. The game seemed at that point to be living up to its pre-match billing of 'Match Of The Day' until Uruguay spoiled it with their silly South American antics of slick passing, good movement and of course coming from behind.

FINAL TABLE

Denmark - P3 W2 D1 L0 PTS 7
Senegal - P3 W1 D2 L0 PTS 5
Uruguay - P3 W0 D2 L1 PTS 2
France - P3 W0 D1 L2 PTS 0*

(* One point deducted for the antics of Napoleon)

(A note on these group tables. These decide who will go on to the next stage. The team at the top of the table is the one that the judges have deemed to be the best, followed by the next team and so on. The team at the bottom is considered rubbish and will have to have lessons)

Cameroon 0-2 Germany

The Abominable Liars made a gallant exit from the World Cup losing out to the jammy, warmongering Germans in this epic clash. The Germans, as always, looked comfortable going into the other side's territory and managed to scrape home with two really lucky goals that were miles offside. The referee had a productive day, taking the names of ten players that he needed and a few that he can use as swaps.

Ireland 3-0 Saudi Arabia

The Saudi team packed their camels after this defeat at the hands of the mighty Irish. The match began with a one-minute silence for former Saudi wing back T E Lawrence that was respectfully, if hastily, observed. The Mersysiders took an early lead through old Harrovian Mr Robert Keane and settled the match with two second half corkers to secure a place in the last dozen or so.

FINAL TABLE

Germany - P3 W2 D1 L0 PTS 5*
Ireland - P3 W1 D2 L0 PTS 5
Cameroon P3 W1 D1 L0 PTS 4**
Saudi Arabia P3 W0 D0 L3 PTS 0

(* One point deducted for World War One and one point deducted for World War Two. Germany informed that any further World Wars will result in a one match ban).

(** The point deducted from Cameroon for Rourkes Drift was later reinstated on appeal)

Argentina 1-1 Swindon

Swindon travelled to Argentina for this crunch Group F match knowing that a draw would be good enough to see them go through to the last 10. A superb goal from Andrew Stevenson put them in danger of winning the match before they cleverly contrived an Argentina equaliser at the end. For Argentina, this defeat means they have to go home on the wings of an aeroplane, which is a shame.

ENGLAND 0-0 Nigeria

For England coach Steven Graham Ericson this tie posed a tactical nightmare. Keen to avoid a win which would see them face favourites Senegal, but equally keen to avoid defeat which would see them facing a long coach journey home, his side cleverly carved out an unlikely draw against the shock team of the tournament to set up a lunchtime clash with co-hosts Denmark. Once again Wayne Bridge thrilled the crowd with a late appearance proving that if he can get his punctuality problems sorted, he can be up there with the World Cup greats, (Terry Paine etc). Well played Nigeria!

FINAL TABLE

Swindon P3 W1 D2 L0 PTS 6*
ENGLAND P3 W1 D2 L0 PTS 6**
Argentina P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 4
Nigeria P3 W0 D1 L2 PTS 1

(* Awarded a bonus point for winning Player of the Tournament award - see below)

(** Awarded a bonus point for good spelling and general all-round decency)

NOTE: FIFA today announced its selection of Player of the Tournament. It went to Swindon's on loan star Andrew Stevenson, fighting off stiff competition from Ecuador duo Augustin Delgado and Clever, (if unseen), Chala and England ace Wayne Bridge. Stevenson got the final nod on three grounds: a) he lives in Chilworth; b) he is a good looking lad with a smart haircut; and c) he scored the goal which knocked out Argentina.

Paraguay 3-1 Slovenia

After the thrilling football in the early morning matches, the two lunchtime games were a disappointment with all four teams showing the effects of over indulgence in the dining room. In Paraguay the away team scored an early goal to allow the South Americans to come from behind. Needing to win by two (2) clear goals the home side bombarded the Slovenian goalmouth with goalie Joseph Chivers hitting the cross bar with a goal kick blatantly taken from the wrong position, before finally ensuring a victory with a jammy third (3rd) goal late on.

Spain 3-2 South Africa

A plucky if sluggish performance from the South Africans before losing out to the surprise package of the World Cup, the unfancied Spanish. Having twice come from behind it seemed as if the African team would progress to the final third but a late contentious goal from the Spanish with their donkeys and Ibiza anthems meant that the South African players had to pack their bags and tidy their rooms.

FINAL TABLE:

Spain P3 W3 D0 L0 PTS 8 *
Paraguay P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 4
South Africa P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 3 **
Slovenia P3 W0 D0 L3 PTS -2 ***

(* One point deducted for Spanish Armada)

(** One point deducted for Boer War)

(*** One point deducted for being slovenly, another deducted for being useless)

Brazil 5-2 Costa Rica

This match began emotionally as the Costa Ricans sang the new lyrics to their National Anthem, especially written by El Generalissimo pat Rice's brother Tim. Sadly the game itself was a dull, uneventful affair. The ex-pats tried to play some decent football, but the unadventurous Brazilians with their coffee and noisy street festivals killed the game off, boring the crowd senseless with the monotony of their endless passing and frightfully dull daring runs. For the plucky Costa Ricans this defeat means the end of their little World Cup adventure and for the brave part-timers it's back to the deck chair stands and toffee apple stalls this weekend.

China 0-3 Turkey

A game that truly lived up to its pre-match billing of Match Of The Moment. After a one minute silence for China's former captain Mao Tse Tung which was respectfully, if suspiciously observed, the Chinese, still bitter after the failure of the Boxer Rebellion, piled men forward in search of a famous winner. Sadly the Turks responded with cynical play and play acting and scored three (3) jammy goals to secure qualification. Midway through the second half China's task was made all the more difficult when that little lad from the Lotus Flower takeaway in Basingstoke was sent off leaving them to play on with 999,999,999 men. Defeat for them means tickets on the next slow boat to China, which is where they live.

FINAL TABLE:

Brazil P3 W3 D0 L0 PTS 9
Turkey P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 3*
Costa Rica P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 4
China P3 W0 D0 L3 PTS 0

(* One point deducted for being on the Germans' side in World War One, Turkey placed above Costa Rica through poor maths).

Croatia 0-1 Ecuador

Croatia chose the Alekhine Defence for this all important match which ultimately had little meaning. With neither defence giving any quarter in either half for about a third of the match, the number of fractional decisions was hardly surprising. The match ended on a quiet note with the Ecuador side shutting up shop and the Croatians castling and exchanging Queen side bishops. Defeat for them here wins them second class cabins on the next boatian home with their heads hung in shame. For Ecuador this win means they can head off for a well-earned weekend in Brighton with their heads hung in pride.

Italy 1-1 Mexico

A pleasantly surprising performance from the operatic Italians against the banjo playing Mexicans as they gave a reasonable display of the Beautiful Game with a succession of long balls up the middle. Sadly the game was marred by the spoiling tactics of the Mexicans with their tequila and their silly grins who constantly hogged the ball and appalled the crowd with their blatantly silky skills. Midway through the second half the Italians, still bitter from the Fall Of The Roman Empire, seemed to lose hope and simply milled around the middle of the park trying to catch the eye of totty. However the introduction of the veteran Alexander Delaney-Peters injected new life into the side and he scored late on to equalise the earlier Mexican jammy goal. Well played Italy!

FINAL TABLE:

Mexico P3 W2 D1 L0 PTS 7
Italy P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 3*
Croatia P3 W1 D0 L2 PTS 3
Ecuador P3 W1 D0 L2 PTS 3

(* One point deducted for the invasion of Britain).

Italy qualify from this group on "goal difference" - an explanation of this complex concept. Although Italy, Croatia and Ecuador all finished with 3 points, but Italy's goals had all been very different from each other, Croatia's goals had been quite similar and Ecuador's exactly the same. Well played FIFA!

Japan 2-0 Tunisia

The final day of the qualifying rounds got underway with this crunch derby match between the Japanese, with their uncooked fish and computer chips, and the aptly named Tunisians with their North African stuff. Japan surged forward with their usual exciting, war mongering style and dominated the game thanks mainly to the superb play of their star man, midfield dynamo David "Itchy" Kawa, (whose style of play was reminiscent of the Englishman who shares his nickname Mr Nicholas "Itchy" Butt). Although they rallied a bit in the second (2nd) half the Tunisians were largely useless and will probably have to do sit ups. For Japan this win means they face Turkey for breakfast on Tuesday. Well played Tunisia!

Belgium 3-2 Russia

The Phoot-tapping Phlegms get to Phight another day after this storming victory. Inspired by their wily coach Hercule Poirrot, the Belgian team ripped the Russian side to shreds in a match that was not only gripping and end to end, but also ding dong from start to finish. For the Russians this defeat means a trip back to the snowy Steppes, a trip made all the more difficult by the news that they had lost their coach an hour after the game. For the French side a tie against the boring and generally useless Brazilians should ensure an easy progress to the Quarter Finals.

FINAL TABLE:

Japan P3 W2 D1 L0 PTS 6*
Belgium P3 W1 D2 L0 PTS 5
Russia P3 W1 D0 L2 PTS 2**
Tunisia P3 W0 D0 L3 PTS 1***

(* One point deducted for World War Two)

(**One point deducted for Crimea War)

(*** One bonus point awarded for being aptly named)

Poland 3-1 USA

The Poles took on football's original cheats in this lunchtime classic. As we know from both World Wars (I and II) the Americans generally wait until the English have softened up the opposition before coming in and trying their insidious ways with our women. This time however the English weren't there to save them and they came on the pitch already two (2) goals down. Despite being totally stuffed in this game the USA, with their yellow taxis and their cities built on rock and roll, still go through - is that jammy or what!

Portugal 0-1 South Career

Few gave the plucky Kent side a chance in this difficult away match against the boring unadventurous Portuguese. Nevertheless the office side put in an astonishing performance that was plucky and occasionally brave. Some praise must go to the referee for his handling of the match sending two (2) Portuguese. off the pitch - John Painter, (threatening to score), and Beto who having already received a yellow card for having a silly surname, then angered the referee by not having a first one at all.

FINAL TABLE:
South Career P3 W2 D1 L0 PTS 7*
USA P3 W1 D1 L1 PTS 4
Portugal P3 W1 D0 L2 PTS 3
Poland P3 W1 D0 L2 PTS 4

(*Awarded £100 bonus in Luncheon Vouchers for sales in March).