Germany 1-1 Republic Of Ireland

The Clash of the Titans as Guinness drinking Ireland took on the lager swilling Germans in a repeat of the War Of The Spanish Succession. From the start the love-hungry Germans signalled their intent to thwart the gallant Irish with various underhand tactics and, having scored a dubious goal, seemed set for yet another jammy and undeserved victory. However the introduction of old Etonian Nigel Quinn near the end and a return to the Beautiful Game ensured a replay next week at Highbury.

Denmark 1-1 Senegal

Co-hosts Denmark somehow carved out an unlikely draw against tournament favourites Senegal in this intriguing early morning clash. For the majority of the match, Denmark were merely spectators as their more experienced opponents tore the Europeans midfield to shreds. Despite going in at half time a goal to the good and a dressing room visit from midfield legend Hans Christian Anderson, the Danes were unable to pull off a fairytale finish as the Dancing Senegalese tore them apart in the second half, scoring an astonishing one goal.

Cameroon 1-0 Saudi Arabia

Fresh from their triumph over Germany, the nomadic Saudis took on the 'Abominal Liars' of Cameroon. As both sides struggled on a pitch made greasy by the Saudis pre-match oil drilling, it was clear that this would not live up to its pre-match billing of 'Game Of The Tournament'. For Cameroon, still reeling from the outrages of Pol Pot, this was a chance to shine after their 1-1 drubbing at the hands of plucky Ireland and they took their chance to steal all (100%) of the points with a late and jammy goal. This defeat for Saudi put them straight on the next plane home where they arrived to a hero's welcome, only to find that they had to go back to play another match.

France 0-0 Uruguay

This stunning no-goal thriller was a largely uneventful match between two of football's lesser known teams which neither (0) could afford to lose, but by clubbing together could draw and still have enough left over for a few drinks. Praise must go to the Mexican referee Mr Sancho Panchez who enforced FIFA's strict personal hygene policy by making the match's smelliest player Mr Terry Henry go off to have a bath. A match that was not only end-to-end, but occasionally ding-dong as well should have seen France taking all three points, but ultimately they were left counting the cost, (60 monthly payments of £109.56, total £6,573.60 APR 11.9% variable), of some sloppy finishing.

Nigeria 1-2 Swindon

The plucky Wiltshire side came out still reeling from their 1-1 thrashing at the hands of mighty England came out to face a Nigeria still coming to terms with independance and having to make important decisions. This game had been pre-billed as The Match Of The Century, but sadly failed to live up to its expectations. Boosted by the silky skills and boyish good looks of on loan Andrew Stevenson, Swindon finally scrambled a 2-1 victory thanks to some neatly placed bribes and a couple of jammy goals from the dreadlocked on loan Scot Mr Henry Larson, who impressed despite playing his club football at non league level. The Nigerians' decision not to wear their glow in the dark strips was clearly an error as they struggled to pick each other out in the overcast, early morning light.

Paraguay 1-3 Spain

Spain, still bitter from the failure of the Armada, made a bright start and defender Charles Putnall finished off a fine blind-side run to convert a rocket fired in by Paraguay's Arse that proved to be a stinker. In the second half the gallant Spaniards were rewarded for letting England progress in Euro 96 with three well-deserved goals to earn a famous, if unlikely victory.

Argentina 0-1 ENGLAND

A half-hearted effort by England in this largely unimportant game which they won with a goal that was uncharacteristically jammy. Ceefax's Regional Sport on BBC South summed up this lucklustre performance with its headline "Bridge Stars In Famous Win".

Slovenia 0-1 South Africa

South Africa were denied a goal by a brave, if slovenly defence until the 4th minute, after which the floodgates opened and they ended up rattling in an astonishing no (0) more goals. The fictional Slovenians, who had qualified comfortably from the Made Up In Ivor Novello Operettas Confederation were no match for the pre-tournament co-favourites in a match that was never ding-dong, let alone end-to-end.

Croatia 2-1 Italy

Gallant, sharp-eyed ref Mr Graham Poll was the Italian scapegoatian after the moody latinos unexpectedly lost this crunch game. The Italians, still smug from the Renaissance, played some excellent football against the Scicilian Defence of their opponents until they scored an undeserved and jammy goal, after which, believing the game to be in the bag, were content to wander upfield looking for totty. The Croatians had not however read the script, (which was in Italian), and stunned the pasta-munching crowd with a couple of glorious goals.

Brazil 4-0 China

A real clash of styles with the boring Brazilians taking on the chuckling Chinese in this lunchtime classic. The Brazilians once again tried to kill the game as a spectacle with their unsporting hogging of the ball and slick movement and cynically began introducing skills as well. Thankfully the Chinese responded with a superb example of playing the Beautiful Game with a succession of toe-punts and long balls up the middle. The Brazilians scored three jammy goals to take an early lead which never looked secure until they grabbed number 4, (Chicken Chow Mein with Egg Fried Rice), 10 minutes from time.

Ecuador 1-2 Mexico

A packed house greeted these two footballing giants as they took to the field for this breakfast time clash. Ecuador, slight favourites with the bookies, gave a marvelously entertaining display thanks to the mercurial skills of Clever, if mysterious, Chala. With team mate Delgado failing to match his form with Premiership favourites Southampton, (i.e. he actually scored), the stage was set for a grandstand finish from Ecuador and they did not disappoint, letting in two jammy goals to hand the points (3) to their banjo playing neighbours. Well played Ecuador!

Costa Rica 1-1 Turkey

In what was billed as 'Match Of The Day', the team of ex-pats from the tiny Spanish resort took on the Turkish hordes in what turned out to be a two-goal goal fest, The Costa Ricans, looking slick with their silk suits and greasy, oily charm, laid seige to the Turkish goal in a superb demonstration of Total Football, (headers, toe punts, giving the ball away etc), to which the hapless Turks had no (0) answer. The memorable moments in this game all came in the last ten minutes by which time I had sobered up, and saw the cynical Turks trying to make the Costa Rican side score a sneaky winner which the gallant English lads steadfastly refused to do.

Japan 1-0 Russia

This eagerly awaited rematch of their 1905 clash saw Japan once more take away all three points but not this time any Russian territory. The newly-arrived Russians, the snow still on their boots, struggled in the fierce lunchtime heat and were constantly pegged back by their energetic, if sneaky, opponents. The co-hosts finally secured a famous win thanks once more to a goal from North London based Swede Ian Moto.

South Career 1-1 USA

Few gave the plucky Kent office side a chance against their mighty opponents with their nuclear weapons, sky scrapers and bubblegum, but as is so often the case the little underdogs produced all (100%) of the chances while their cigar smoking opponents were content to produce most (25%) of the CO2 emissions into the atmsphere. Having scored a goal that was so good they had to score it again, the Kent lads were denied a second only by some dubious play from the USA's German goalie who blatantly stopped a number of shots from going in.

Poland 0-4 Portugal

The crowd on this typically wet lunchtime in Manchester were treated to a scrappy match between these two sets of foreign cheats. The Poles, who we went to war over only to have them stab us in the back in 1973, deserved to be stuffed, but then again so did the Portugese with their silky skills and sharp passingwhich completely spoiled this as a spectacle. For the Poles with their silly names and scruffy haircuts, this defeat this four (4) goal defeat means they have no (0%) chance of progressing any further in this year's competion, whereas the greasy Iberians must now concentrate on bribing the ref for their next match against South Career.

Belguim 1-1 Tunisia

The French side did well to grab a draw against one of the tournament favourites. Having taken a shock lead through veteran striker Mark Willmot, the French, with their waxed moustaches and hot chocolate drinks, seemed likely to pull off a famous victory, but had to settle for a renowned draw after a late equaliser from the aptly named Tunisians just 73 minutes from the end. For the Tunisians this draw leaves them needing a win against the Japanese to avoid a shock exit.