History Of The World Cup
Team Of The Tournament
Group Phase Round One
Group Phase Round Two Group Phase Round Three

Before the start of the knockout stages, FIFA announced its three all-time greats they are, (in order of merit), 1. legendary Liverpool striker John Peel, 2. composer of USA World Cup song Madonna and 3. Mr John Croft the manager of Lloyds bank in Devizes Berkshire.

Second Round

Germany 1-0 Paraguay

The Second (2nd) Round got underway with this breakfast time match that pitched the unfancied Germans against a Paraguay side who, with their ponchos and plucky wives, have been installed as second favourites following Russia's dramatic exit. As was to be expected it was all Paraguay as they tore apart a German side who, despite cheating and playacting superbly, seemed incapable of their trademark jamminess. The match which was marred by the presence of Germans on the field, seemed heading for a replay at Villa Park on Tuesday when full back Oliver Neville, (cousin of Manchester United's Gary and Philip), popped up from the back and accidently scuffed a shot past goalie Joseph Chivers.

Denmark 0-3 England

The England team faced a hostile home crowd as they took on the co-hosts in the sleepy seaside town of Niigata in the South of Denmark. With the wind against them in the first half England could do little in the first 45 minutes and with the lager-loving Danes with their pastries and big dogs playing for a draw and a money spinning replay on Wednesday, the first half was largely uneventful. In the second half however they came out and dazzled the Danes with some truly wonderful football with countless long balls up the middle to give the ball away. The sportmanship and footballing skills of the English forced the Danish fans applaud the boys in white off the field at the end even though we had humiliated their team and made everyone in the entire country look really stupid. This win sets up a clash with the winner of boring Brazil and the Phavourable Phlegms, (probably the French side). Well played Denmark!

THE GOLDING GOAL: Today's matches saw the introduction of the Golding Goal to the World Cup, here is a brief explanation of this complex concept. The Golding Goal is the brainchild of William Golding, the celebrated Nobel Prize winning author and former Brentford half back. Disappointed at the one sidedness of many games between English sides and their less gifted foreign opponents, he suggested that the overseas side be allowed to play with a smaller goal to give them a chance.

Senegal 2-1 Swindon

An end of season fixture pile up has meant that Swindon were forced to play this match just three days before their vital Southern Counties Cup Final against Winchester at the Municipal Playing Fields in Basingstoke. The Dons started brightly against the tournament favourites in what many had viewed as a clash between the speed of the Senegalese forwards and Andrew Stevenson's delicate little balls. After opening the scoring with yet another goal from the non-league star Henry Larson, (who will surely be picked up by a Nationwide League club next season), Swindon appeared to be on top. But gradually the Senegal team, with their mud huts and assagais, came more into the game and probably deserved their jammy equaliser. With Wednesday's game looming Swindon turned down a replay at home, and instead offered to play first-goal-wins, allowing Senegal to play with a Golding Goal. Andrew Stevenson turned the heads of several young ladies and the defender as he struck a shot that, with a normal sized goal would have seen the plucky Berkshire side home. Later the Senegalese got the all important win with a jammy goal that was miles offside.

Ireland 1-1 Spain (Spain win on Goal Difference because their goal was different from the one they missed and Ireland's was exactly the same)

A partisan Anfield crowd gave the visiting Spanish team a sporting welcome and remained good humoured even after the Spanish scored a sneaky goal in the warm up. The home side's team of former public schoolboys continued to press the opposition who, with their beach balls and senoritas, looked increasingly tired. Just as it seemed that they would deny the Merseysiders Mr Robert Keane popped up unmarked in the box and smashed home a scorcher from 12 yards out to earn a replay. Sensing however their opponents' tiredness Ireland sportingly offered the Spanish the opportunity to play first-goal-wins and to have a Golding Goal. After former Winchester Headboy David Connolly fired in a shot that with a normal-sized goal would have seen them victorious it became clear that the Spanish were struggling and, sensing their fatigue, Ireland sportingly allowed the game to be settled with penalties at which they are useless. Well played Spain!

Mexico 0-2 USA

Instead of 'God Save Our President', the embittered Americans chose 'Remember The Alamo' before this crunch game in the Mexican capital. The Mexicans took the game to their visitors who, as is their wont, somehow managed to cheat a victory out of probable defeat. It was sad to see a game spoiled this way by the Americans with their freeways and electric chairs, as they got up to their usual tricks of not letting the other side score. The Mexicans for their part soldiered on and tried to force an opening, but it was all to no avail and the final whistle saw the USA through to meet Germany in the next round, a result which led to pandemonium in the USA with literally dozens (12s) of people flocking to the streets and politely clapping. Well played Mexico!

Belgium 0-2 Brazil

The boring Brazilians pulled off the shock of the tournament so far with this unlikely win against the Phearsome Phlegms to set up a Quarter Final clash with England. The French club played well, combatting the spoiling play of the Brazilians who, with their coffee mines and trumpets, got up to their old tricks of slick passing and dazzling runs. At least the two late goals from the talentless South Americans saved us from having to watch them again in a replay. For Belgium this defeat means Pharewell and it's home for tea and buns by the Seine.

Japan 0-1 Turkey

The Japanese redeemed their reputation in this early morning clash with the fun-loving Turks by sportingly refusing to shoot at goal. The co-hosts passed the ball slickly and, with their paper houses and straw hats, posed a constant threat in both halves (½s) as they piled on an amazing no (0) goals against the solitary turkish reply. For their part the Turks, with their donner kebhabs and low budget holiday destinations, earned their million lire salaries with a fine win which sees them take on favourites Senegal in the Quarter Finals and sees Japan join co-hosts Denmark on the long flight home.

Italy 1-2 South Career

In one of the greatest days in World Cup history the Kent office side overwhelmed the mighty, if unfancied, Italians to set up a match against Spain. After a one minute silence for former winger Benito mussolini that was respectfully, if cunningly, observed, the game kicked off and the Brompton lads went straight on the attack. Cheered on by the local Danish people who have taken South Career to their hearts, they harried and pressed and within three (3) minutes forced the Italians to concede a penalty kick, which star striker John Haynes, realising that such an early goal would ruin the game as a spectacle, sportingly refused to score. After that the Italians, with their canals and tree surgeons, never got a look in, scoring one goal and coming close on several (1 or 2) occasions.

In the second half it was again all South Career, but a combination of cheating and play acting by the Italians, coupled with their dubious tactic of distracting the Kent lads with totty, kept the score at 1-0 right to the very end. Then, just as South Career were thinking about the coach trip to Calais, up popped Harry Selby, who holds the office titles of Player Of The Season and Salesman Of The Month, to score with an incredible long range shot from six (6) yards out. After this the match was largely uneventful. With the scores level and the Italians clearly tired, we once more saw an English side offer to play first-goal-wins and give their opponents the advantage of a Golding Goal, with Haynes popping up with a winner which, on a normal sized goal would have been in the middle, but which went in the corner of the much smaller goal. A double celebration then for South Career after their ladies beat Ashford Kwik Fit in the Home Counties Whist League Division Seven.

Quarter Finals

Brazil 2-1 ENGLAND

The 21,000 fans who flocked to the sleepy town of Shizuoka in the heart of the Danish wine growing region, were treated to the match of the tournament as an England side, bolstered by a full breakfast with double sausage, gave a dazzling display as they swept to a magnificent 1-2 moral victory over the boring Brazilians. Having totally dominating the first half (½) England came out after tea and buns with a display that rocked the South Americans, with their plastic gnomes and pointy shoes, who were merely spectators. As the teams approached the hour mark the referee finally lost his temper upon learning that one of the Brazilians not only had only one name, (a common Brazilian trick!), but that it was remarkably similar to the number 9 who looks like he's from a home, and promptly, (and rightly), sent him from the field. England did not however falter with this devastating set back and gave a wonderful display showing the full range of the Beautiful Game, (both long ball up the middle and giving the ball away). Sadly a game that could have been a classic was spoiled by the cynical foreigners who not only showed the South American love of coming from behind, but cheated by hogging the ball, not even giving it to an England player when asked really politely.

For England this superb result means they march on to a victorious homecoming. For Brazil it means the humiliation of a place in the last 4. We should praise every member of Steven Ericson's young squad, but once again one player stood out above all the others. Clearly relishing the new role of unused substitute asked of him by the England coach, Wayne Bridge gave a text book performance giving the watching Danish schoolboys a superb example of how to sit up straight and smart. Well played that man!

Germany 1-0 USA

As these two teams took the field the crowd cheered loudly, applauding England's performance earlier in the morning. As always against the Germans, the USA started late and soon found themselves behind to a jammy and typically undeserved goal that was miles offside and probably handled as well. The Americans tried to toe punt it upfield a lot toward the end in a pale imitation of their English heroes, but the Germans, with their reliable cars and beer kellars, held on with a mixture of playacting and cheating to progress to the semis. For the girl hungry Americans its the next flight home to be greeted by the ecstatic American fans, (Danny Di Giovanni and Nelson X. Tillberger III). Well played the English linesman!

South Career 0-0 Spain (Pools panel decision - Home Win)

The boys from Brompton march on! Who would have thought at the beginnning of this tournament that the office side would be the only one of the four English sides to get to the semis? With the local Danes, who have adopted these likeable clerks and telephonists as their own, clapped politely as they walked on the pitch to face the mighty Spain. At the final whistle, south Career could see that the Spanish, who had come to the fine municipal playong fields on just a light, foreign breakfast, were clearly tiring and once again offered to play first-goal-wins with the Spanish offered the Golding Goal. After half an hour however and the boys expected home for lunch, it became clear that the Spanish defence would hold strong and so they played first-one-to-miss. The Kent lads sent five smashing into the Spanish net. The foreigners missed with their fifth to the obvious amusement of the Danish crowd. For Spain, with their brylcreemed hair and funky shoes, this means they can go home and spend the rest of the summer mugging British tourists. It surely too marks the death-knell for the so-called "Continental Breakfast" whose deficiencies were so spectacularly shown up here. One has to ask the question that since Spain struggled to finish this Quarter Final, how on earth did they expect to cope with a whole one.For the job-seekers of Brompton, it means another week on the dole as the Employment Agency remains shut while it's staff take on the Germans.

Senegal 0-1 Turkey

The shock of the tournament as favourites Senegal crashed out to the toe-tapping Turks in this Quarter-Final switched to Elland Road for safety reasons. With both sides fresh from a light Saturday lunch in the garden the sides settled down to some bright attacking football. From the outset it became clear that the goal fest that has been the Quarter Finals - an astonishing two (2) goals in just three (3) games - would continue, especially with Turkey's legendary Harrison Sutcliffe in such sharp form. After tea and buns Turkey, with their fast cars and baggy trousers, constantly probed for a goal but could not find away past Aunt Syvlia in the Senagalese goal. With no goals at the final whistle and both sides having a Golding Goal it seemed unlikely that either side would score, and so it was the game ending scoreless with a one-nil win to Turkey.

Semi Finals

Germany 1-0 South Career

The plucky men of Kent lost out to an unbelievably jammy goal from Michael Ballack, (nephew of England legend Alan Ball), which was miles offside and was handled by at least three (3) German players. From the start the English lads ran the Germans ragged. The foreigners, playing in front of the wives with the blonde pigtails and large round bosoms, seemed destined for a humiliating exit until the intervention of the corrupt and often ugly officials gave them a decisive advantage and set up a Final match against either Brazil or Turkey, (probably Turkey).

Brazil 1-0 Turkey

As was to be expected, this match between boring Brazil and the dispassionate Turks was a thanklessly dull match to watch. The Turks, with their jam sandwiches and fizzy drinks, once again strolled through the game without a care in the world and the Brazilians were content to kill the game with their monotonously slick passing and mind-numbingly dashing runs. Turkey pressed for a goal, but the Brazilians had clearly done their homework, (except Ronaldinho who was consequently grounded by his Dad), and they were able to keep the Turks at bay. In the end Ron Alda, sister of the American song and dance man Alan Alda, scuffed one in off his shins for a jammy winner to set up a Final clash with Germany at the Millenium Stadium on Sunday.

3rd Place Playoff (Winners receive 10 shillings in postal orders and a cake).

South Career 2-3 Turkey

The Kent side's four week adventure came to a glorious end with this stunning 2-3 moral victory over the hapless Turks. The game itself was marred slightly by the unfair play of the Turks. Knowing that the office side like to have a cup of coffee and a chat about Eastenders before they get started, the Turks sneaked an early goal, but South Career hit back stunning their poonents with an amzing one (1) goal in either half. For Turkey this devasting moral defeat means that they will travel home with their heads hung in shame. For South Career, they can say farewell to Scandinavia and return home to Brompton with a host of newly-won friends, pride and a load of little soaps that they've pinched from a variety of hotels over the past month.

FINAL

Brazil 2-0 Germany

Brompton High Street was filled with literally a number of people as they welcomed home the South Career team. With the street bedecked with a Welcome Home poster in the Post Office window, (drawn by Libby Walker aged 6), the team drove up the Hugh Street in an open-top bus, having missed the number 17. The office manager announced that they would be at their desks at 8.30 tomorrow and would be seeking gainful employment for the locals as soon as they finished coffee and chatting about East Enders. He added that there were many job opportunities in the area and that Fork Lift Truck Drivers and Lab Technicians were urgently required NOW!!!

Next fixture: Romsey & District U-11s (Division 7)
Toothill Res vs Chilworth Albion

THE FIFA WORLD CUP-
A PICTORIAL ODYSSEY

An unknown Brazilian beats the Southampton defender during the 1962 World Cup.

Mr John Peel voted by FIFA as greatest World Cup star of all-time.

Ireland manager Mr Michael McCarthy auditions linesmen for his side's clash with Spain.

Skipper Danny Blanchflower proudly carries off the cup as Northern Ireland are crowned World Champions at the 1958 tournament in Swindon.

The Celtic side known as the Liars Of Lisburn after several committed perjury during a World Cup qualifier in the sleepy Irish town.

Hockey - a type of football suitable for girls and weak boys.

The sleepy seaside town of Daejeon, scene of Italy's famous defeat.

The Paraguay side who were the last winners of the World Cup under its old 5 a-side format.

The Beautiful Game explained with what is accepted as the finest goal of all time - Bobby Stokes at Wembley 1976.

The wife of England captain Mr David Beckham.

The USA and Germany struggle on a waterlogged pitch.

Showing the honesty, sportmanship and gentlemanly conduct of the English game. There is no foreign style playacting here, Mr Vincent Jones really is squeezing Mr Paul Gascoigne's testicles. Well played those men!

Ecstatic German fans tell Francois Truffaud where the music came from.

After swapping shirts with a Brazilian opponent, Turkey's Two Guys were spooted mingling with the crowd.

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