1930 : No competition.

1934 : No competition.

1938 : No competition.

1950 : England went to Brazil prepared to dazzle the world in a tournament marred by foreign play-acting and bad sportsmanship, but were thwarted in the qualifying rounds by the USA. Assuming that, because they spoke English, the Americans could be trusted, England sportingly allowed them to score a consolation goal before England humiliated them. Unfortunately the Americans proved themselves to be as big a bunch of slimeballs as everyone else as they refused to allow England to score a hat-full of goals.

1954 : England's bid to win the World Cup fairly was once more thwarted by foreigners using underhand foreign means, (modern formations, skills etc), as well as the usual play-acting and unsportsmanlike conduct. Despite their early exit following a series of jammy goals by opponents, England won the moral victory and remained World Champions in all but name.

1958 : By the time the finals were held in Sweden, England were beginning to realise that the foreigner's lack of decency and moral fortitude were endemic. In game after game they dazzled as they gave the world a lesson in football, only to see the trophy go to a team using cynical means, (Pele, skills, coaching etc) and of course play-acting and unsportsmanlike conduct.

1962 : Trying to play clean, honest football against a bunch of foreigners intent on kicking each other off the park, England were once more the stars of the finals in Chile. However they were once more denied by a combination of jammy goals, foreign sleaze, (Pele, training, players not smoking at half-time etc) and the usual trademarks of play-acting and lack of sportsmanship.

1966 : Finding themselves unable to play-act and cheat on our honest English pitches the rest of the world had no option but to admire the dazzling style of an English squad inspired by Southampton legend Terry Paine. In what is surely the most famous match of all time England sportingly allowed Germany to equalize in the last minute so that they could be humiliated in extra time.

1970 : As England went to Mexico to defend their crown they once more found themselves up against a familiar set of foreign tricks, (Pele, skills etc), and play-acting and bad sportsmanship. In what is surely the most infamous game of all time, England were cruising to victory when they sportingly allowed Germany to score a consolation goal. The Germans however proved that they hadn't changed a bit since the War and not only scored a heinous equalizer, but then compounded this with a jammy goal in extra time.

1974 : As a protest at the hosts Germany's cheating in 1970, England sent over a team of Scotsmen who waited until they were already out and then played really well.

1978 : As a pre-emptive protest at the hosts Argentina's future multiple cheating in 1986 and 1998, England once more sent over a team of Scotsmen who, as is their wont, waited till they were already knocked out before beating the best team in the world.

1982 : As we had nothing against the Spanish, (this being before they started doing Ibiza anthems each year), we went to this World Cup and were easily the best team and but for the play-acting and bad sportsmanship would have surely emerged victorious.

1986 : Despite facing the usual despicable foreign traits, (individual brilliance, jammy goals etc) and a plethora of play-acting and bad sportsmanship, England emerged proud after being sent home by two ignominious instances of cheating from Maradonna. After he clearly used his hand for the first of his team's goals, he went on to score what is surely the most infamous goal of all time when he unsportingly refused to allow any of the English players to tackle him as he scored the second.

1990 : Assuming that the Germans had learned their lessons from the War and had changed, England erected a statue to Bomber Harris as a symbol of friendship and sportingly missed two penalties. The Germans however, demonstrated their complete lack of moral character by scoring all their's.

1994 : As a protest at the hosts USA's cheating in 1950, England sent over a team of scousers called Ireland who found themselves up against the usual jammy goals, play-acting and bad sportsmanship, and inevitably came home empty-handed.

1998 : In a tournament marred by the unacceptable face of French football, (skills, style, solid tactical planning etc), England alone emerged with honour despite going out to a couple of jammy goals after Argentina forever branded themselves as Germany's only realistic rivals to the title "All-time Greatest Cheats" when one of their players allowed himself to be kicked.