Opening Ceremony

The Opening Ceremony was a lively, colourful affair augmented neatly by the happy coincidence that the Koreans and Japanese celebrate Guy Fawkes day on June 1st and there was therefore the added attraction of fireworks. More impressive than the visual display however was the reminder that we live in a Global Village, and that it is time to put old differences to one side and build a world built on tolerance and mutual respect. This message is endorsed by us with vigour and enthusiasm, although the fact that it came from a slanty-eyed back-stabbing Jap was a bit rich.

France 0-1 Senegal

As expected the African team pulled out some massive tackles, while the French seemed content to just sniff around the box. The only goal came from a guy with a really weird name. In the end a just result as the gallant Senegalese squeezed out their mighty French opponents still reeling from Waterloo. All and all an entertaining start to the competition from what were essentially two sets of play-acting foreigners.

Cameroon 1-1 Republic Of Ireland

The Irish, as always, obsessed with playing about in their own box finally got to share the points, (50-50), with their Cameroon neighbours. A special word of praise for the Cameroon team who like Ireland play in green, but who sportingly chose to bleach their pullovers to avoid confusion. Praise must also go to Matt Holland. Despite being knocked out by his own team last year, Holland showed no animosity as he scored his first International goal since his last one. The Cameroon scorer had a vowel missing from the name on his shirt.

Denmark 2-1 Uruguay

This forgettable match will remain in the mind for a long time. The South Americans once again demonstrated their preference for coming from behind, but this was no match for the Danish tactic of pumping long ones into the box. Both (2) goals from co-hosts Denmark were scored by a player whose sensible English surname had been misspelt on his shirt, while the only (1) Uruguayan goal came from a guy with a joke name that ended in "z". Thankfully the play-acting was kept to a minimum (63%) and the officials were quite good for foreigners.

Germany 8-0 Saudia Arabia

Germany, still bitter from the War, showed their habitual willingness to go down whenever in sight of the box. The grass pitch proved too much for a Saudi team used to playing on sand and thanks to some clever play-acting and several jammy goals Germany eventually scraped home.

Argentina 1-0 Nigeria

Group F finally got underway with this clash between the Oscar-winning Argentinians and the glow-in-the-dark Nigerians. In a match again marred by sloppy spelling on players' shirts, the Nigerians as always came out with big, hard tackles, while the South Americans were content to shoot down the keeper's throat. A jammy goal from some blond guy sent all the points (3) to South America.

Paraguay 2-2 South Africa

Understandably Paraguay's star player Arse opted to have an alternative spelling on his shirt, but the other players on the pitch (21) had no such excuse. Given that Paraguay signalled that their intent from the beginning was that everything should be taken by Arse, it was no surprise that South Africa chose to come from behind, the former Yugoslav Republic deservedly winning a share of the points, (half each).

ENGLAND 1-1 Swindon

England's decision to employ a professional spellchecker in the kit room paid dividends as they dazzled the world with their command of written language. The English fans responded too with their perfectly spelt banners and flags, putting to shame those foreign fans who sometimes can't even spell their own country, (the Germans can't even get close). Pity then that the JBBC could not follow suit, their graphic for England coach Steven Ericson being quite abysmal. On the pitch we were treated to ninety minutes of English magic as we humiliated the Nationwide League side, deservedly winning the points which we then sportingly shared (one apiece) with our play-acting opponents. The 'Dons impressed slightly in the second half following the introduction of Andrew Stevenson on loan from Premiership kings Southampton.

Slovenia 1-3 Spain

A typically dour match featuring two of the tournaments weakest teams. The slovenly, (hence the name), defence of the team that's a made-up country continually fell asleep allowing the habitually sleazy Spanish to slip one in from the back. The third Spanish goal demonstrated the appalling flaws in the Slovenly defence with some foreign guy allowed a clear shot from twelve yards unchallenged.

Croatia 0-1 Mexico

This one goal ding-dong thriller between the sombero-wearing Mexicans and the chess-loving Croatians was a thrilling tactical clash with the Mexicans lining up with a 4-4-2 formation and the Croatians opting for the Nimzovich Defence. Ultimately the Croatians paid the price (£1.99 + VAT) for their inability to get in the box where they could get their tackles in, preferring instead to ram it down the keeper's throatian. The match was marred by the disgraceful behaviour of the Croatian fans who's spelling of their country's name on their banners and flags was worse than that of the Germans. Praise must go to the Chinese referee who, still bitter from the Opium Wars and charmed no doubt by the Mexicans' Nordic good looks, finally enforced FIFA's anti-bad haircut policy by sending Croatia's worst offender to the barber's. The winning goal was the result of some sloppy defence which allowed the Mexicans a free shot from twelve yards out.

Brazil 2-1 Turkey

This game saw the first appearance of Brazil, historically the World Cup's jammiest team. They faced Turkey, still bitter at the loss of the Ottoman Empire and annoyed that FIFA chose to stage the competition in summer, (they had voted for Christmas). As was to be expected in a game involving the Brazilians, never a team associated with flair, this was a dour affair further spoilt by the bad spelling that has plagued the tournament so far, (although to be fair to both sides the hair cuts were for the most part sensible and smart). Turkey's defence gobbled up everything tossed at them and the Brazilians succumbed to the South American propensity to come from behind. Brazil deserve some praise for allowing the team mascot to play in the match, (wearing number 19). Turkey, having had two players sent off, found themselves further reduced in numbers when a single substitute was forced to substitute two guys.

Ecuador 0-2 Italy

Ecuador are outsiders to win the tournament despite their name, (which is Spanish for "even money"), and the fact that they are able to field two players from Premiership giants Southampton. Today they met an Italian side still bitter (and cowardly) after the War who for ninety minutes kept pushing upfield looking for totty. This game demonstrated the basic weaknesses in the foreign game as the two teams continually chose the "play and go" style over the far superior English "touch and go" style. The Italians remain too reliant on jammy goals and the South Americans' tackles were too puny for them to ever come from behind.

China 0-2 Costa Rica

The match between the kung fu fighting Chinese and the coffee swilling Costa Ricans was a real David vs Goliath clash with the world's most populated nation taking on the tiny Spanish seaside resort. Costa Rica is Italian for Rice Coast, the tiny republic being named after its inaugural president and ex Arsenal stalwart Generalissimo Pat Rice, and El Presidento would have been proud of his young protégés as they dashed in and out of the Chinese box and gave them a thoroughly good licking.

Belgium 2-2 Japan

Having been thwarted by sharp-eyed officials in their attempt to score a goal before the kick off, the Japanese, still bitter from the War, tried desperately to get their hands on the Belgians' buns, but met with fierce resistance from the Phighting Phlegms. In the second half the Belgians came out with their big, hard tackles but the Japanese refused to take it lying down and it wasn't until they were up against the wall near the end that the side from Northern France were able to come from behind.

Poland 0-2 South Career

A real mismatch this, with the former Yugoslav Republic taking on the Employment Agency Office side from Brompton, Kent. They were treated by the Poles to a masterclass in the 'Beautiful Game', (long ball up to the front man, give the ball away), which left the hapless telephonists with no option but to sit back and invite the Poles to come in their box. Eventually the South Career players adopted the cynical approach that is so common in foreigners, (keeping the ball, good movement, slick passing etc), and thanks to some dodgy refereeing and a couple of jammy goals took away all (3) the points. Well played Poland!

FOOTNOTE : The humidity has had an unexpected effect on some teams shirts, (namely China, South Career and Japan), and has made some letters fall off leaving large gaps which leave humorously silly little names.

Russia 2-0 Tunisia

Neither team got used to the early morning start and, as is so often the case at this time of day, the tackles were hard but largely ineffective. The Russians, still bitter from the Crimea, were content to let their North African neighbours come on to them, but having scored two goals refused to let the Tunisians come from behind. The Tunisian coach tried to raise his side's morale by pulling several players off midway through the second half, but it was all to no avail and the Red Army, (playing in white), marched gloriously on.

Portugal 2-3 USA

Before the game a one-minute silence for USA's former midfield dynamo, the Portugese born Christopher Columbus was respectfully, if noisily, observed. What followed was a dour, uneventful and utterly predictable match from two of International football's most notorious cheaters, USA, (World Cup 1950) and Portugal, (Euro 2000). The USA showed the benefit of good spelling and an Anglo-Saxon outlook as they continually tried to get down the Portugese end and, knowly their opponents' preference for coming from behind, sportingly took an early three goal lead. The referee did well to tolerate the argumentative Portugese, repeatably taking a mouthful from their players, an experience that must have been hard to swallow.